I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
