Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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