Rock
Scissors
Fuck
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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