Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
