Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
