There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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