there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
