I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
