In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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