its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
