After last night, I could never be a politician.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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