I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
