fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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