I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
