I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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