if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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