Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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