One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
