my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
