i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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