where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
