Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
