what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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