these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
