there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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