I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
