one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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