you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
