You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
