Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
