Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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