i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
God I need to hump something, right now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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