I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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