And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
