mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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