Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
