When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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