I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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