so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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