So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
