You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
