The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
