Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
