I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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