What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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