I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
