You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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