She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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