i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
