I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
soo... how was my night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
